I know it might seem too early to think about your retirement, but just consider that financial experts point out that young people should start building their retirement savings in their twenties. Social security is being sucked dry by a huge Baby Boomer generation, many of whom are living into their eighties and beyond. How are we going to survive in our Golden Years? A few suggestions, if I may.
1. You can always, of course, look to your neighbors’ kids to make your money: they are young, and they won’t know if you are cheating them out of their cold hard cash. Making use of your fine education by doing their homework would get you a ton of money from those little pipsqueaks. How hard will it be to recall all that old, useless geometry and allow your time to be consumed by mounds of busywork that teachers surely will be assigning in 2050. Easy as pie.
2. Even though you won’t be a spring chicken in 50 years, that doesn’t mean physical labor is out of the question. Future generations, increasingly made fat and lazy by technology, will need someone to basically upkeep their homes. Ladies, send your husbands to the neighbors’ houses to shovel the driveways in the winter, rake the leaves in the fall, water the flowers in the summer, and mow the lawn in the spring. Men, it would be wise to simply comply with what your wives demand of you—lack of food and other such luxuries only makes them more irritable. It doesn’t matter if a major cause of heart attacks is strenuous yard work: if you don’t do it, you will die of starvation anyways, so embrace the pain.
3. When all else fails, turn to the simple begging on the street corners. Maybe people will feel bad for you because you are old, and give you money. Of course, it might help if you have a witty sign, like, "No food, No money, No pride," or something of that nature.
4. Who really needs all of their internal organs and body parts? Give up that extra kidney, those unnecessary pinkie fingers and toes. If necessary, you can even give up legs. Who needs them? We don’t move around that much anyways in our old age. There is a huge underground market for body parts if you know the right people (see Earl on the third floor for help).
5. If your goal is not just to survive old age, but to be wealthy in those sunset years, you’re going to need a career that relies on more than a 401K or terrible pension plans. In case you haven’t heard, money investment plans have given little help to those of our generation. A sure-fire way to make a lot of money fast is to invest some time into becoming a prostitution madam or drug courier. Both of these slightly unconventional professions will completely ensure you and your husband or wife will live happily ever after, as long as you don’t get caught.
Hopefully, the tips listed will help you stay alive during those trying times in the future. Who knows? Maybe the trust fund will magically become full again, and we won’t have to go to such drastic measures. Yeah, and maybe people will live on the sun!