5 Easy Ways to Show that You Care
Kevin Hogan '10
Published Monday, February 22, 2010
Valentine’s Day: it’s the time of year when young lovers let down their guard and express the adoration that they’ve been keeping secret all year. The utterly romantic atmosphere is hard to ignore; the smell of roses overwhelms the nostrils and the incessant recital of Shakespearean sonnets nearly deafens the ears. Even the manliest of football linemen can be softened by Cupid’s spell on this magical day, and are often seen tearing up with joy as they open boxes of candy hearts from their secret admirer.
But while Valentine’s Day brings immense happiness and romance to many of its observers, it also strikes a fear into the hearts of the masses. How can I ask him/her to be mine without warranting simultaneous ridicule from hundreds of my peers? And what if he/she rejects my innocent entreaty by simply pretending that I don’t exist?
That, my friends, is why I’m here. You see, as many people don’t know, I spent my early high school years taking night classes at the University of Desire, where I double-majored in Chemistry and Elizabethan Poetry. I continued my romantic pursuits at Heartvard University up in Massachusetts, where I attained a Ph.D. after my groundbreaking work on Love Potion #9. In short, I am quite literally Dr. Love.
Due to my expertise, I felt compelled to do everything in my power to eliminate the worries and uncertainties that consume so many of us on February 14. I’ve compiled a list of five simple Valentine’s gestures that are clinically proven to make your one true love fall head over heels for you:
1. Use a pick-up line. Tested and true, these romantic one-liners are the secret weapons of any smooth-talker’s arsenal. Approach your secret love and shout, "Hey baby! What’s your sign?" Not only is this guaranteed to be the start of a very romantic evening, but it provides perfect opportunity to follow (in rhyme) with "Will you be mine?" Any fear of rejection you may have will instantly evaporate when you realize that nobody could possibly resist such beautiful poetry.
2. Kick it old school by sending him/her a children’s cartoon-themed Valentine’s Day card. Your special someone will be showered with countless pleasant memories of innocent elementary school romance. My personal suggestion is to go with Scooby Doo. (His/her heart will melt after seeing a caption from this lovable cartoon dog that reads, "I Rike You Rwerry Much.")
3. Sure, a heart-shaped box of chocolates is delicious and it’s a tradition that goes way back, but your love will most likely be offended to see that you’re giving him/her food that is detrimental to his/her health. Avoid this amateur mistake by giving your crush a container of assorted vegetables instead. This low-calorie, low-sugar option will extend your love’s life expectancy, giving him/her more satisfaction than any package of candies could ever provide.
4.
Send him/her a romantic text message. What better way to show how much you care than to send your crush 160 characters of pure affection? For added effect, you can let him or her know that you took the time to type with "abc" instead of "T-9 word" while creating your digital love message. And be sure (as I am every time I send a text) to close with a "lolz" and a winking emoticon ; ).
5. When all else fails use my personal favorite: the "eyes." I’ll warn you that this move will take a few months of practice in front of a mirror to perfect (learning this procedure was my capstone at UD), but it’s well worth it in the end. Begin by giving your love a simple stare to catch his/her attention. When you get eye contact, look away; it’s crucial to play a little bit of hard-to-get at first. After exactly fifteen seconds, resume the stare. When you get eye contact again, immediately perform two medium-high eyebrow raises followed by a left-eyelid wink. If this technique (when performed correctly) doesn’t completely place your love under Cupid’s spell then, well, my name isn’t Dr. Kevin Hogan.